'Rather than choosing the death of your marriage, you have chosen life'

This is the text of Cardinal O'Connor's homily at Sunday Mass in St. Patrick's Cathedral Feb. 14.

As we noted previously we have a number of couples here who are celebrating World Marriage Day, many of them celebrating anniversaries. We have, for example, Mr. and Mrs. William Rice who are celebrating their 10th anniversary. I read in Catholic Digest an interesting story about the Rices. The story says that when Mrs. Rice was pregnant with her first child they met, for the first time in Washington at that great outpouring of people proclaiming the sacredness of human life, the then-Archbishop Bevilacqua of Philadelphia. They asked him to bless their baby in the womb, and a short time later they read that he had been made Cardinal Anthony Bevilacqua. Pregnant a second time and at an event in Harrisburg they met the then-Archbishop Maida of Detroit. They asked him to bless their second baby in the womb, and shortly thereafter he was named Cardinal Maida of Detroit. I don't know that Mrs. Rice is pregnant but she might ask Bishop McDonald of Arkansas who is with us today to bless her anyway. I will be very happy to give him my red hat.

We have accompanying Bishop McDonald, Mr. and Mrs. Patrick McNulty who are celebrating 50 years of marriage. Bishop McDonald told me that since they have been visiting in New York from Little Rock they have seen "The Phantom of the Opera" and "Aida." I have been Archbishop of New York for 15 years and I have not gotten to the theater since I have been here. I must visit Arkansas and see what happens!

The couple we honor in a most particular way, Mr. and Mrs. Chris Fiorito, are married 68 years. They were married at the age of 21 and 18 respectively. They have three children, two sons and a daughter, three grandchildren, three great-grandchildren. They give as secrets to their success love, good family values, Church every week, give and take, hard work and family holiday traditions. We thank you for your fidelity. We thank you for giving us your example. We are very grateful. We are in your debt.

A couple that were expected to be here but who are ill to our knowledge are married the longest period of time in the Archdiocese of New York, Mr. and Mrs. Adolph Wagner, married 75 years. I would like to read to you a little of their story from Catholic New York because even though they could not be here it is fitting to speak about them. It is, as is the case with the Fioritos, such an inspiring story.

"Wilma Poley and Adolph Wagner knew each other as children growing up in the rolling farmland of Sullivan County. As teenagers, they found they had something in common: They loved to dance. In those days the county drew thousands to its summer resorts, and many of the local towns had dance halls.

" 'That's where the young people gathered,' Mrs. Wagner recalled. Her husband added, 'There'd be a dance someplace. She'd be there, and I'd make sure I'd be there.' "

We are also told that in the early days before they married not only did she hit him but she threw rocks at him whenever he passed by. That is a slightly unusual beginning to a marriage of 75 years.

"Three-quarters of a century later, they're still partners. He is 93, she is 91. They can't take the floor anymore, even though they'd like to--'I'd rather dance than eat,' Mr. Wagner said--but they are just as much in love. On Dec. 9, they celebrated their 75th wedding anniversary.

" 'We had a good life,' Wagner said. 'God was good to us.' His wife added, 'We had some hard bumps, but I think everyone does, a little bit.'

"The Wagners belong to St. Mary's parish in Obernburg. Since they are no longer able to get to Mass [their pastor,] Father Gus Richardson... [brings] them Communion."

Mr. Wagner was a cabinetmaker. Before they were married, he got his hand caught in a piece of machinery and lost a thumb and the first two fingers of his left hand, and he therefore had no job. He received the grand sum of $800 in an insurance settlement from his company and then he had to find any kind of work that he could. Ultimately, however, they developed a business which was very prosperous.

"The Wagners love music, and in the early years of their marriage they had a five-piece band that performed locally. He played drums, she played piano. They had to give it up after they started the egg business.

"Although they're not dancing anymore, the Wagners still know what keeps a marriage in step. Both stressed the importance of patience and hard work, and above all, love.

" 'You've got to work together, and you've got to talk things over before you do things,' he said. It helps when couples have the same interests, but he noted, 'If you dislike something, sometimes you should give a little.' He also said, 'You should forgive and forget.'

"In their 75-year turn around the dance floor, those attitudes were the steps, but love was the music. It shows in the way they look at each other, and in the gentle, unassuming way that Wagner helps his wife when she needs him. He looked at her and smiled.

" 'That's my little sugar,' he said. 'That's my baby, now. That's all I've got.' "

I remark especially on the Fiorito marriage and on the Wagner marriage because they are so extraordinarily inspirational.

Many of you New Yorkers know that currently there is playing on Broadway once again "Death of a Salesman." This is the story of Willie Loman who believes he was star-crossed, that his marriage was star-crossed, that his fate was predetermined, that he had nothing to do with it. He believed that his business was cursed because he was born under a certain conflux of the stars. He had no real rapport with his children for this same reason, that everything was predetermined for him. He fails as a salesman, he fails in his marriage and he fails as a father, so he kills himself.

How different this is from how the Wagners and the Fioritos and so many others of you here have lived. I wish all of you could be here on the Sunday each year that we celebrate those couples who are married 50 and 60 years and more. The cathedral is packed with people standing all over the place: the couples, their families, their friends. It is a very simple ceremony. They renew their marriage vows, and I give them a certificate expressing gratitude on the part of the Church of New York for the example that they have given. So frequently either the man or the woman will be in a wheelchair, as Mrs. Wagner is now. One will be pulling the other, one will be helping the other. It is a deeply moving event. Simple but profound. One thinks of all of the tragedies of the day, all of the failed marriages, all of the emptiness, and then one sees those couples who struggle through the years knowing that with God's grace they exercise their own free will to accept whatever comes their way. That is the story of their lives.

We can not accept the Willie Loman philosophy because it is a direct contradiction to today's first reading [Sir: 15:15-20]. This reading from the Book of Sirach, which was written perhaps 200 years before the coming of Christ, was actually used by early Christians to model their own lives, their own behavior, their own thinking.

"If you choose you can keep the commandments;

it is loyalty to do his will.

There are set before you fire and water;

to whichever you choose, stretch forth your hand.

Before man are life and death,

whichever he chooses shall be given him.

Immense is the wisdom of the Lord;

he is mighty in power, and all-seeing.

The eyes of God see all he has made;

he understands man's every deed.

No man does he command to sin,

to none does he give strength for lies."

Moses, as the Israelites were about to enter the Promised Land and he was to be excluded for having doubted God, said to the people, "You have before you life and death. Choose life." This is what you couples have done. That is what so many others have done. Rather than choosing the death of your marriage you have chosen life. It has been your choice. You have often struggled with that choice, but you have given wonderful example. In no way do we discount the struggle of those who have tried to make a marriage work, perhaps having to deal with constant infidelity or violence, those who have separated, perhaps divorced, had their marriages declared null and void and have been married again in the Church. In no way do we discount their goodness, their example. On this particular day, however, we must lay special emphasis on those--and their numbers are in the millions--who have so faithfully gone on day after day despite so many hidden struggles.

I have been offering the Holy Sacrifice of the Mass for 53 years as a priest. Every day, believe it or not, I remember three things related to marriage. First, that our Lord's first miracle was not worked on behalf of the priesthood, the first miracle was not giving sight to the blind or hearing to the deaf or raising the dead to life. The first miracle was worked on behalf of a newly married couple. You remember the beautiful story of the marriage feast of Cana. It was Mary, the Mother of Christ, who noted that the married couple were terribly embarrassed because they ran out of wine. This was truly a social sin in the Middle East at that particular time. What did Mary tell the stewards? "Do whatever my son tells you." What a wonderful guide for marriage! Jesus told the stewards to bring six stone water vats filled with water and he turned them into wine. I remember that in every Mass, most particularly at the time of the mixing of the wine and the water and then offering these in the chalice.

Secondly, I remember how very much the sacrament of marriage and the Holy Sacrifice of the Mass are linked. What happens in a marriage? What is the story of the marriage of so many of you here, as young couples in the majority of cases? You stood before a priest and used some such words as, "I, John, take you, Mary, for my lawful wife, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death." "I, Mary, take you, John," repeating similar words. You are laying down your lives for each other. This has been the essence of it, fusing into one. This is of the nature of marriage. In a marriage ceremony you heard words such as, "Henceforth you will be one in mind, one in heart, one in affections. Whatever sacrifices you are herein after required to make to preserve this common life always make them generously."

What happens in the Holy Sacrifice of the Mass? We offer two elements to Almighty God, neither one having any power in itself. As in the sacrament of marriage, it is the Holy Spirit coming down upon a couple to breathe new life into them and, God willing, to bring forth children, so in the Holy Sacrifice of the Mass the Holy Spirit breathes upon these little useless, helpless particles of bread and wine and converts them into the Body and Blood, the soul and divinity, the totality, of the Son of God. It is fitting that we call it the Sacrifice of the Mass. It parallels the sacrifice required in every marriage.

Finally, when I offer the Mass, especially now after these 53 years, I remember the ending of the story at the marriage feast of Cana. We are told that the guests tasted the water that had been made wine and they marveled. They said, "Most hosts serve the poorer wine first, but this host has kept the best wine until last."

For so many of you, your marriage has grown richer and stronger and deeper as the years have gone on. In a very special way, and a very real way, you can say, although it might not be precisely what you would have said on your marriage day, that truly "The best wine has been saved until last." We are grateful to all of you who have persevered, who have made the sacrifices you have made.

If you will permit me I would like to read a special statement unrelated to our reflection on marriage.

Last Sunday I asked prayers for the soul of Amadou Diallo, for the consolation of his family, for the police officers accused of his death and their families. I have refrained from further comment pending the outcome of appropriate investigations. It will now be the responsibility of a grand jury or other duly appointed authority to determine the fate of the police officers involved.

No grand jury, however, no local or federal authority, can adequately compensate for the death of a human person, made in the image of God, or assuage the suffering and sorrow of his family and loved ones. We can and we must pray. We can and we must weep. We can and we must make whatever restitution is possible. But the only way we can make sense out of this killing--if we can make sense out of it at all--is to use it to stop all killing. We have created what Pope John Paul II has called a "culture of death." We must reach out, everyone of us, whatever our color, our race, our ethnic background, our religion, we must reach out to one another, with God's grace, to restore a culture of life. We have gone mad with violence. It meets us at every turn, in a thousand different ways. Moses told the people before they were to enter the Promised Land: "You have before you life and death. Choose life."

To deny that African-Americans, blacks, have suffered inhuman discrimination in our country would be the height of hypocrisy. To claim that, two hundred and twenty three years after the Declaration of Independence that holds as self-evident the truth that all men are created equal, we who are white truly treat black brothers and sisters as equal is to deny reality. If I am walking a lonely street at night, do I fear the approach of a white man, as I fear the approach of a black man? Let us be brutally honest. Because of more than two centuries of prejudice, so many of us who are white and so many of us who are black fear one another, question one another, are suspicious of one another. How many of us truly, deeply love one another? The reality is that there can be no love without justice, and justice delayed is justice denied. We must pledge ourselves to a future of liberty and justice for all, for all, without exception. Pope John Paul II gave us the blueprint in addressing the United Nations here in New York in 1995:

"We must overcome our fear of the future. But we will not be able to overcome it completely unless we do so together...The answer to the fear which darkens human existence at the end of the 20th century is the common effort to build the civilization of love, founded on the universal values of peace, solidarity, justice and liberty...We must not be afraid of the future. We must not be afraid of man. It is no accident that we are here. Each and every human person has been created in the 'image and likeness' of the One who is the origin of all that is. We have within us the capacities for wisdom and virtue. With these gifts, and with the help of God's grace, we can build in the next century and the next millennium a civilization worthy of the human person, a true culture of freedom. We can and must do so! And in doing so, we shall see that the tears of this century have prepared the ground for a new springtime of the human spirit." (Address to the United Nations General Assembly, Oct. 5, 1995)

Finally, despite the tragedy of the killing of Amadou Diallo, no imperative of political correctness can bring me to denounce the huge numbers of men and women of the New York Police Department who serve us all, day after day, night after night, often in extremely demanding circumstances, with courage, with integrity, with generosity, with self-sacrifice. The mistakes, the follies, the sins, the treacheries, the violence, even the killings perpetrated by some, can not, must not, blind us to the nobility of the vast majority, who themselves abhor whatever makes a mockery of their calling to protect and defend their fellow human beings. In my judgment, the gratitude we owe them can never be discounted by the failure of some.

As we pray once again today for eternal repose of the soul of Amadou Diallo and for the consolation of his family, let us pray for all the families of the police officers involved, who must be suffering indescribably, as well. The officers themselves we entrust to our legal and judicial system and to God.

And now I publicly pledge my own willingness to join, at an appropriate time and in an appropriate place, with representatives of every religious body in New York, to join in a great outpouring of prayer in preparation for the Third Millennium, that we, God's creatures, of every race, color and religious persuasion will commit ourselves to build together a civilization of love.