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This year’s Thanksgiving Day falls exactly four weeks before Christmas Day. I mention this not to make anyone nervous, and not to encourage people to ask themselves, “How am I going to do everything I have to do before Christmas?”
What I’m thinking about is this: What are people supposed to do when they don’t feel the joy that the “holiday season” is expected to impart? What about those of us who feel anxious, overburdened or sorrowful at Christmastime?
I spoke about those challenges with Lisa Rene Reynolds, a marriage and family therapist who is also an author and assistant professor at Iona College. She mentioned several reasons why this time of year can be difficult. One is the ever-present media portrayal of the holiday season as a time when everything has to be perfect: the decorations, the warm atmosphere at home, the special dinners, the perfect presents that are flawlessly wrapped. That sense of having to measure up to an unrealistic standard can lead to disappointment and frustration if dinner doesn’t quite hit the gourmet mark, the house doesn’t look like a magazine photo or someone’s mood is low.
Dr. Reynolds noted that sometimes a sorrowful event or a setback makes it difficult for people to share the joy of the season. It might be the illness or death of a relative or friend, a divorce, the loss of a job or financial troubles.
“You’re feeling sad, or just not into it,” she said.
Separation can be another problem for families, whether it’s geographical distance that prevents people from getting together or emotional distance caused by arguments or estrangements.
Dr. Reynolds talked about the advice she gives to families coping with situations and feelings that make it hard to feel happy at this time of year. Her first recommendation: “Remember what the holidays are really about.” She remarked that at Thanksgiving, some families write down what they are grateful for. Do the same thing for Christmas, she said: Write down its true meaning. She also asks families to write down the traditions that are most important to them. It might be caroling, baking special cookies or watching a favorite Christmas movie. Post the list on the refrigerator, and make sure those things get done, she said. That will lead to a feeling of accomplishment.
Helping others is an especially important way to recall the real meaning of Christmas and to feel its peace and joy. Dr. Reynolds’ suggestions include volunteering at a soup kitchen or choosing a tag from an “angel tree” and buying a present for a person in need. Other opportunities include visiting the homebound or running an errand for a parent or caregiver who’s overburdened.
Dr. Reynolds is a Catholic and a wife and mother. She spoke about the importance of the spiritual meaning of Christmas, of reflecting on Jesus and his gift of himself to humanity. What is truly important, she said, is to have faith, to be kind to others, to be grateful for blessings, to recognize the importance of love.
At this time of year I always find it helpful to think about the meaning of Advent, the Church’s season of expectant prayer and reflection in preparation for Christmas. Advent recalls the world’s long wait for the Savior whom God had promised to send, the Redeemer who would dispel the darkness of sin and sorrow and bring light and life. Advent is a time of hope and trust, and those are virtues we can practice even when life gets rocky. In fact, that’s when we most need to practice them.
We also can invite the Redeemer into the darkness in our own lives, because although he has already come into the world, he comes anew to each one who invites him. He still dispels the darkness; he still brings light and life. The real message of Christmas is that no difficulties—not even trouble of our own making—can keep him out of the heart that wants to receive him.
Blessed Advent, Merry Christmas.
